When I woke up today, I didn't plan on making this post. I was actually fine. September 9th. My mother's birthday.
She passed away 5 years ago from breast cancer. The time between her diagnosis and dying was 5 months. She had no chance, it was too late and she made her peace with it, refusing chemo and choosing to be at home being administered morphine.
She passed away the morning after my birthday, living just long enough to give me that day. Today, on her birthday, I was fine. But I couldn't stop thinking about Promise To Try. That scene in Truth or Dare where she lay on her mother's grave, talking to her and wondering what she looked like now. And I broke like a piece of glass...
And that's how the day kept going. Little by little, the song kept playing in my head..."will she see me cry when I stumble and fall"... And every day I do stumble and fall, but I keep getting up, even when at times I just feel like laying there. "Keep your head held high, ride like the wind, never look behind". And I try to keep going and never dwell on the past. Never feel nostalgic, keep moving forward, never stay one thing too long and never let anyone feel sorry for you.
"Can't kiss her goodbye, but I promise to try". I tell myself I can let go, that I don't need to be comforted by tales of heaven and angels. That I'm ok with death being the end of it will help me find that closure. That I need to let her go. "But it feels like a lie".
And it kept playing in my head. Bringing me to tears each time today. Just one song. The power of Madonna's writing and vocal delivery, emoting so much. Intricate simplicity. Grief. A universal feeling we can all understand, but perhaps only mire so with this song if you've experienced losing your mother.
I don't need to listen to Madonna's songs everyday. I'm no longer a teenager in the early 90s. I've been there and done all of that. I grew up with her music in the 80s. But I feel I've lived through her music; I've sat on a plane fleeing an abusive situation with "You'll See" playing in mind, giving me the strength I needed. I've left home at an early age with "Oh Father" in my head saying "you can't hurt me now". I've gone place to place trying to find safety with "Drowned World" (travelled round the world, looking for a home). But today, Promise To Try hurt a little more than it usually did.
No, I don't need to listen to her music every day. I can go months without playing her songs as I get on with my life. I don't need to do any of those things because I can just think of her songs and I experience them because they've had a lifetime to bury themselves deep within me, waiting for the right moments to burst forward.